I believe that most people walk around in their skins knowing, for the most part, who they are and are pretty comfortable with that. This may be a broad generalization for the population as there are millions who struggle with some sort of thing they dislike about themselves. I don't know anyone who loves every cell of their being. As a rule, though, I still think the majority at least have a really good idea of who they are.
I have always thought I knew who I was never struggled deeply about the "kind" of person I am. Recently however, now that my body is becoming what my mind has always felt it was all along.. I am not so sure. You see, as a big girl, well let's get right down the nuts and bolts of it.. an obese gal.. my mind has always made me act in ways that were cohesive with that of someone of average size. I have always thanked my lucky stars that I DO have a pretty face..to me that was something to work with regardless of what the rest of my body looked like. My personality of course got me farther than anything.. I am not a shy person and have always had leadership qualities that allowed me to blend with pretty much any group in school. One could actually say I was in denial about my body all my life, and that may be true to some extent, but I would have to argue that overall because I believe that I am who I am despite my weight, not because of it. Like I said, OVERALL, not completely, because there is no way how your body looks doesn't affect your personality traits. If you say that it doesn't.. then you're the one in denial.
Being pretty athletic and healthy all of my life as afforded me to maintain my "self esteem" if you will because I was able to participate in pretty much anything I wanted. If there is one thing I never let my weight be was an excuse not to participate in something. The flip side of that is that it did prevent some people from involving me in certain things because of their feelings on the issue.. not mine. Prime example being.. I was graciously skipped over for brides maid several times. I expected that in the back of my mind.. and it did hurt, but I guess I tried to understand. I didn't,, but I tried. Had the shoe been on the other foot, I would have kept my word... fat or not. It was almost funny watching them squirm with excuses however, when I called them out on it.
So for as long as I can remember I have labeled myself privately, " a skinny girl mind stuck in a big girl body". Again, this was accomplished by having that "pretty face". Speaking of that pretty face,, its changing. Changing a lot. When I look in the mirror I don't see the person I have seen for the past 31 years, I see someone else. I struggle with this because that "pretty face" doesn't seem "pretty " to me anymore. Friends have pointed out that its because I have never imagined myself thin, and if I did it was a skewed vision. That in fact, I am still quite stunning, even more so that my high cheek bones and lucious lips aren't surrounded by all of the extra padding. Maybe this is how I am meant to look, but it almost makes me wish that I still had some padding on my face because I feel like I look sickly. I realize, with the help of another friend that I would probably enjoy my look more if I were back to full health. Having my daughter apparently took a lot from my body and since having surgery I obviously don't absorb the nutrients I need without supplementation. I haven't been the best about taking my vitamins, but I try. I hate pill popping,, for any reason.. so its a habit I need to make. She assures me that once I start getting what my body needs I will feel better about that " pretty face" of mine. I can only hope she's right.
My face being of course the major source of contention surrounding my "esteem" these days.. all the extra "stuff" I have left over after having lost over 200lbs so far, I am dealing with OK. I expected that and was actually ready for that. I do have a hard time imagining the day I am finished with all my cosmetic surgery and being the "me" I have always been in my mind. I don't think I am anxious about it because it doesn't seem to be a real thing. Its still so far away to me its on the edge of my consciousness. So for the time being, I am just kinda of swishing along inside the exterior of my former self. Not really sure of what it will eventually be and will I be happy with that once its here. I am scared/worried that I won't be what I hoped for after all these years, but I won't go back to what I was. At my highest weight I was not in denial about being happy,, I truely was miserable. There was no escaping that. NO FEAR about returning there, my mind has left that place never to return. In fact, its almost so far gone that I can't remember how I ever got to such a place to begin with. Ironically I got to that place during the happiest times in my life.
While I walk around in the pool of extra "stuff" I have for now, I prepare myself the best I can to make ready for another baby in the future, then plan to get the final battle wounds from life long struggle within,,, and wear them proudly because of what they represent. I may have a scar that runs completely around my lower half and two scars along my underarms, and my inner thighs.. and even some on my breasts to put them where they should have been all along.. but the only person that will see those are me and the one person in the world that loves and cherishes my body right now as it is.. my husband... In fact he's the one that looks at my excess "stuff" now and says they are badges of honor. If ever I am fine with being lost within myself right now.. he is the one that I am lost with.. so at least I am not alone .. we'll come out on the other side together.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Monday, November 27, 2006
Betrayal and Redemption
Betrayal is such a heart wrenching thing.. no matter the direction it comes from. Most times people refer to being betrayed when another person has committed the act. Other times maybe it is their very self doing the betraying to someone else. When I think of betrayal, my mind doesn't automatically go to someone or myself doing the wrong. Maybe its ironic that my mind works in that way.. maybe its not.
I believe that my frame of mind on this subject is probably skewed because of certain trials my family has gone through the past few years. How could it not? The betrayal I immediately think of is that my body has done to me. Most would probably say the acts I committed against myself. More specifically my inability to conceive for so very long. Five years for an infertile can be a lifetime or it can be an unknowing beginning to a much longer road of struggle. Either way, its a tough row to hoe. Its not easy by any means.
The ease and surprise of getting pregnant with my son was such a shock I naively assumed the second or any subsequent pregnancies would be as well. NAIVE being the key word here. I took so much for granted during that pregnancy,, a pregnancy that made me wholey miserable almost the entire time, the birth that wasn't what I wanted and the recovery of which seemed to take eons. While I cherished what my body was able to produce, a happy healthy boy, I wasn't prepared to go through that again very soon. I knew surely though when he turned two that I would be more than ready.. and I was.
I gained an ungodly amount of weight while pregnant with him. It was the first time in my life that my already overweight body had a "reason" to eat whatever I felt like and not have to walk around with my stomach sucked in.. another "reason" to have a belly. So by the time I had him.. I was at my highest weight at that point in my life and even after losing the initial weight .. it staggered back up to pregnancy weight and beyond. Almost 40lbs more than my weight the day he was born. OBSCENE weight.
I tried half hearted and whole heartedly to lose back down to at LEAST my prepregnancy weight all to pretty much no avail. As much as I wanted another child I had convinced myself that my weight had nothing to do with my inability to conceive a sibling for Austin, because I was a big girl when I conceived him afterall.. so it couldn't possibly pertain to my secondary infertility. HA!
After toying with the idea of bypass surgery for almost four years.. I decided that what's one more year of difference between our kids..as long as I was able to have more that's what mattered. So we went ahead as you know with the surgery.. and I started losing, much more than weight at this point, but I digress. Low and behold 9 months after surgery I got those two lines.. I was worried at first (way down deep I was worried)that my body wasn't ready to carry a child, would I have the miserable 9 months I had with Austin to look forward to again? Of course at this point I didn't care if I couldn't move the whole time.. I was PREGNANT!
Turns out that this pregnancy would not only give me the little girl we were hoping for but also the most uneventful pregnancy and HEATLHY pregnancy a woman could hope for. I am still about 100lbs from my goal weight... so we're talking about 100lbs less than I was before I was pregnant with Austin. Also turns out that apparently it was my weight that kept me from getting what my heart desired the most,, another baby. Complete denial is what some ..no strike that.. what all people call that state of mind.
As I breezed through those 9 months, in and out of uneventful OB visits each month.. the day I had been waiting on for years was finally here. It was completely surreal. Sometimes it still hasn't sunk in that I was pregnant and I have a baby girl now. My body is continuing to lose weight, its also providing nourishment for my baby girl. Its feeling better all over.. inside and out. I am able to do so many things now that I couldn't before, most of all take care of a newborn and a 7 year old.
Either way you look at it.. I have been betrayed by my body or that I have betrayed the body I have myself.. its been through a rollercoaster for sure. While some people would be so very thankful for the renewed health .. and I am of course.. somewhere else deep inside its not thanks that I feel.. I feel redeemed. My body, however broken and repaired its been has finally redeemed itself to me. Its probably finally thanking me for taking care of it the way I should have to begin with.. So while Thanks is something we both feel.. Redemption is the word I have chosen to associate what I feel. There are few things that make a soul feel better than that of REDEMPTION.
I believe that my frame of mind on this subject is probably skewed because of certain trials my family has gone through the past few years. How could it not? The betrayal I immediately think of is that my body has done to me. Most would probably say the acts I committed against myself. More specifically my inability to conceive for so very long. Five years for an infertile can be a lifetime or it can be an unknowing beginning to a much longer road of struggle. Either way, its a tough row to hoe. Its not easy by any means.
The ease and surprise of getting pregnant with my son was such a shock I naively assumed the second or any subsequent pregnancies would be as well. NAIVE being the key word here. I took so much for granted during that pregnancy,, a pregnancy that made me wholey miserable almost the entire time, the birth that wasn't what I wanted and the recovery of which seemed to take eons. While I cherished what my body was able to produce, a happy healthy boy, I wasn't prepared to go through that again very soon. I knew surely though when he turned two that I would be more than ready.. and I was.
I gained an ungodly amount of weight while pregnant with him. It was the first time in my life that my already overweight body had a "reason" to eat whatever I felt like and not have to walk around with my stomach sucked in.. another "reason" to have a belly. So by the time I had him.. I was at my highest weight at that point in my life and even after losing the initial weight .. it staggered back up to pregnancy weight and beyond. Almost 40lbs more than my weight the day he was born. OBSCENE weight.
I tried half hearted and whole heartedly to lose back down to at LEAST my prepregnancy weight all to pretty much no avail. As much as I wanted another child I had convinced myself that my weight had nothing to do with my inability to conceive a sibling for Austin, because I was a big girl when I conceived him afterall.. so it couldn't possibly pertain to my secondary infertility. HA!
After toying with the idea of bypass surgery for almost four years.. I decided that what's one more year of difference between our kids..as long as I was able to have more that's what mattered. So we went ahead as you know with the surgery.. and I started losing, much more than weight at this point, but I digress. Low and behold 9 months after surgery I got those two lines.. I was worried at first (way down deep I was worried)that my body wasn't ready to carry a child, would I have the miserable 9 months I had with Austin to look forward to again? Of course at this point I didn't care if I couldn't move the whole time.. I was PREGNANT!
Turns out that this pregnancy would not only give me the little girl we were hoping for but also the most uneventful pregnancy and HEATLHY pregnancy a woman could hope for. I am still about 100lbs from my goal weight... so we're talking about 100lbs less than I was before I was pregnant with Austin. Also turns out that apparently it was my weight that kept me from getting what my heart desired the most,, another baby. Complete denial is what some ..no strike that.. what all people call that state of mind.
As I breezed through those 9 months, in and out of uneventful OB visits each month.. the day I had been waiting on for years was finally here. It was completely surreal. Sometimes it still hasn't sunk in that I was pregnant and I have a baby girl now. My body is continuing to lose weight, its also providing nourishment for my baby girl. Its feeling better all over.. inside and out. I am able to do so many things now that I couldn't before, most of all take care of a newborn and a 7 year old.
Either way you look at it.. I have been betrayed by my body or that I have betrayed the body I have myself.. its been through a rollercoaster for sure. While some people would be so very thankful for the renewed health .. and I am of course.. somewhere else deep inside its not thanks that I feel.. I feel redeemed. My body, however broken and repaired its been has finally redeemed itself to me. Its probably finally thanking me for taking care of it the way I should have to begin with.. So while Thanks is something we both feel.. Redemption is the word I have chosen to associate what I feel. There are few things that make a soul feel better than that of REDEMPTION.
Friday, June 23, 2006
Now You See It, Now You Don't.... See It????
Sometimes the optimism a person can hold on to seems infinite. I, am normally one of those forever-seeing-the-bright-side-of-things people. My first reaction to most crises is usually that of a man.. "what can I do to fix this problem and make it go away?!". This was my instinctual reaction when my husband called and told me from the store that fateful day that it had been robbed and we were basically fucked. I calmed him and said that we would figure it out. Well we have been working it out, at another job. Its not the best paying job... yet... but we're hanging on by the skin of our teeth each month/week/day.
We tried our best doing what is supposedly the "right" thing by trying to work with everyone and get things taken care of. There was one company, however, that decided that no matter how perfect we had been, we were just plain ol shit out of luck.. and in the end caused our demise financially from doing the complete "right" thing. I hope that someone, on that cold plate of revenge I will be serving before its all said and done, will choke on the meal and die a slow painful death. We shall see..
At any rate, its kinda like drowning over and over.. coming up grasping for air and taking big gulps in small periods of "sight".. then the darkness comes again. You seem to wander mostly in darkness hoping to catch a glimmer of light.. and then ahead in the very far distance.. you catch a twinkle.. it comes and goes.. but its definitely there. As weeks pass you see it getting closer and closer.. its brighter and bigger.. then without notice, without any warning at all.. POOF! Its gone.
Where did it go? Were we just not paddling fast enough to get there in time? Could it not wait on us? Did it just move and we are now to find it again? WHY? Why is it being so heartless, when you are doing everything you can to grasp it. You don't want to choke it or hold it close.. you just want to breathe .. its your symbol of air.. its something you need to keep sane.. and as the light goes so does your sense of normalcy once again. The light/hole it appears to be.. is falling further away and deeper into the darkness. We all know that once you are in a hole getting out is so far beyond doing, even with every ounce of your being sometimes its like why even try?
But try you must.. cause giving up isn't an option. Even when you have it so bad you think how could it get worse.. you think about others who you know do have it worse.. and realize just how bad it can really get. There are things that you have to work towards, people to do for and take care of, yourself included. You must press on. THERE IS NO OTHER OPTION!
I try to tell myself that things happen in the time and place they are meant to. Why couldn't I have gotten pregnant when we were doing well and not having these troubles, or any mirad of other things. But fact of the matter is, I didn't, it can't change.. and for whatever its worth at the time, I am more than excited to be now and would never begrudge the fact that it didn't happen when I wanted it to.. it happened and that's what's important.
I do believe that on the other side of things there is a light waiting for me.. and I have felt the brush of the rope against me from time to time.. that rope ya know.. that is dangling inside the hole we're in. We'll grab it eventually and things will all start turning around for the better. I do know that one of the first days that will happen will be September 18th.. just 87 days away. That's when my baby girl will enter the world. The girl I have will have waited exactly 5 years and one week for. They will place her in my arms and nothing else will matter except all of us bonding together as a family and sharing the love that abounds between us.
That love truely holds us together.. cause if it weren't for that,, well there's really nothing else left that we have or can afford to do it for us.
We tried our best doing what is supposedly the "right" thing by trying to work with everyone and get things taken care of. There was one company, however, that decided that no matter how perfect we had been, we were just plain ol shit out of luck.. and in the end caused our demise financially from doing the complete "right" thing. I hope that someone, on that cold plate of revenge I will be serving before its all said and done, will choke on the meal and die a slow painful death. We shall see..
At any rate, its kinda like drowning over and over.. coming up grasping for air and taking big gulps in small periods of "sight".. then the darkness comes again. You seem to wander mostly in darkness hoping to catch a glimmer of light.. and then ahead in the very far distance.. you catch a twinkle.. it comes and goes.. but its definitely there. As weeks pass you see it getting closer and closer.. its brighter and bigger.. then without notice, without any warning at all.. POOF! Its gone.
Where did it go? Were we just not paddling fast enough to get there in time? Could it not wait on us? Did it just move and we are now to find it again? WHY? Why is it being so heartless, when you are doing everything you can to grasp it. You don't want to choke it or hold it close.. you just want to breathe .. its your symbol of air.. its something you need to keep sane.. and as the light goes so does your sense of normalcy once again. The light/hole it appears to be.. is falling further away and deeper into the darkness. We all know that once you are in a hole getting out is so far beyond doing, even with every ounce of your being sometimes its like why even try?
But try you must.. cause giving up isn't an option. Even when you have it so bad you think how could it get worse.. you think about others who you know do have it worse.. and realize just how bad it can really get. There are things that you have to work towards, people to do for and take care of, yourself included. You must press on. THERE IS NO OTHER OPTION!
I try to tell myself that things happen in the time and place they are meant to. Why couldn't I have gotten pregnant when we were doing well and not having these troubles, or any mirad of other things. But fact of the matter is, I didn't, it can't change.. and for whatever its worth at the time, I am more than excited to be now and would never begrudge the fact that it didn't happen when I wanted it to.. it happened and that's what's important.
I do believe that on the other side of things there is a light waiting for me.. and I have felt the brush of the rope against me from time to time.. that rope ya know.. that is dangling inside the hole we're in. We'll grab it eventually and things will all start turning around for the better. I do know that one of the first days that will happen will be September 18th.. just 87 days away. That's when my baby girl will enter the world. The girl I have will have waited exactly 5 years and one week for. They will place her in my arms and nothing else will matter except all of us bonding together as a family and sharing the love that abounds between us.
That love truely holds us together.. cause if it weren't for that,, well there's really nothing else left that we have or can afford to do it for us.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Oh yeah, Congrats.
As I received the phone call this morning informing me of my second set of betas, I was over the top thrilled to hear they were more than doubling and coming along fine.
As one might imagine, when you have struggled for so long to achieve a goal and you finally succeed, you want to tell the whole world.. and you want to tell them NOW! I have already shared my news with all of my online friends in my mother boards and a couple of real life friends I have as well and they were all super excited for me. I never kept it a secret that we have been trying for as long as we have, so its not like anyone I could/can tell will wonder if it was planned or a surprise.
I have planned on how I am going to be telling my mom. As I make jewelry now, I plan on telling her while giving her a birthstone bracelet that contains my son's and the one that's due. I had planned on going down to her house for the weekend and all of us telling her. Spending the day being joyous and just celebrating that we finally have another baby on the way.
Since my sister lives so far away, but is planning on moving back here in May, I wanted to go ahead and call and tell her. I expected her to be as thrilled for me this time as she was for the UNPLANNED one that resulted in my son. WELL, how wrong was I?? VERY. As I told her, her voice tonation didn't change a hint. She said.. are you kidding me? Really, well congrats I know you are thrilled. I asked if her wife was with her she said yes.. and that she sends her congrats... that was it. No yahooing or over joyment that we had accomplished this feat.. instead she was "surpised" that I wanted to so soon and that we weren't more financially stable.. last she knows we are fine.. but apparently not enough for her. So, I asked her not to tell mom and she said she wouldn't.. but now I am not so sure it even matters. I don't want to tell anyone anymore. Hey thunder?? Where'd ya go?
Call me crazy but I was hoping to get some excited reaction from the family we are telling eventually. I am thinking of now just sending my mom the bracelet and leaving a note that says if she isn't happy or can't be excited.. don't bother calling. I NEED this to be something people are excited for me about.
True we had an horrific year last year, emotionally, physically and financially. But things are turning around for us.. in all of those ways. Yes, I am pregnant about three months before I am supposed to.. but it isn't the end of the world and aside from just not holding on in there, I can't see anything causing this to not go full term. So, now I am all paranoid that anyone of the family we tell will just talk about us behind our backs or give a shit less about it and then "preach" about how we didn't wait longer.. well guess what I have been waiting over four fucking years now.. and its not like I am getting any younger in the meantime, hell if I wait MUCH longer I decrease my chance that much more. They just don't get it.. and fuck them if they don't. So yeah, they will spit out the congrats, but with no more enthusiasm than if I had told them I got another pet.
Well guess what? Fuck them if they aren't happy for me, there may only be a few.. but at least they are sincere about it. And that is better than none. I guess I am just asking too much for a little shared happiness about this. Its not like I haven't earned it for pete's sake!
As one might imagine, when you have struggled for so long to achieve a goal and you finally succeed, you want to tell the whole world.. and you want to tell them NOW! I have already shared my news with all of my online friends in my mother boards and a couple of real life friends I have as well and they were all super excited for me. I never kept it a secret that we have been trying for as long as we have, so its not like anyone I could/can tell will wonder if it was planned or a surprise.
I have planned on how I am going to be telling my mom. As I make jewelry now, I plan on telling her while giving her a birthstone bracelet that contains my son's and the one that's due. I had planned on going down to her house for the weekend and all of us telling her. Spending the day being joyous and just celebrating that we finally have another baby on the way.
Since my sister lives so far away, but is planning on moving back here in May, I wanted to go ahead and call and tell her. I expected her to be as thrilled for me this time as she was for the UNPLANNED one that resulted in my son. WELL, how wrong was I?? VERY. As I told her, her voice tonation didn't change a hint. She said.. are you kidding me? Really, well congrats I know you are thrilled. I asked if her wife was with her she said yes.. and that she sends her congrats... that was it. No yahooing or over joyment that we had accomplished this feat.. instead she was "surpised" that I wanted to so soon and that we weren't more financially stable.. last she knows we are fine.. but apparently not enough for her. So, I asked her not to tell mom and she said she wouldn't.. but now I am not so sure it even matters. I don't want to tell anyone anymore. Hey thunder?? Where'd ya go?
Call me crazy but I was hoping to get some excited reaction from the family we are telling eventually. I am thinking of now just sending my mom the bracelet and leaving a note that says if she isn't happy or can't be excited.. don't bother calling. I NEED this to be something people are excited for me about.
True we had an horrific year last year, emotionally, physically and financially. But things are turning around for us.. in all of those ways. Yes, I am pregnant about three months before I am supposed to.. but it isn't the end of the world and aside from just not holding on in there, I can't see anything causing this to not go full term. So, now I am all paranoid that anyone of the family we tell will just talk about us behind our backs or give a shit less about it and then "preach" about how we didn't wait longer.. well guess what I have been waiting over four fucking years now.. and its not like I am getting any younger in the meantime, hell if I wait MUCH longer I decrease my chance that much more. They just don't get it.. and fuck them if they don't. So yeah, they will spit out the congrats, but with no more enthusiasm than if I had told them I got another pet.
Well guess what? Fuck them if they aren't happy for me, there may only be a few.. but at least they are sincere about it. And that is better than none. I guess I am just asking too much for a little shared happiness about this. Its not like I haven't earned it for pete's sake!
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Still alive,, and soon to be kicking..
With last year's dilema and trying to stay above water, there hasn't been much time for sharing. Usually just enough time to get my to do list done, and still falling behind on that.
As the end of the year grew near, and as we were trying desperately to save ourselves and everything around us.. we both worked diligently to accomplish this and keep our sanity. Believe me, I was on the verge many, many times. My husband found another job, in the same vocation, with the promise of great pay in the not so distant future, and I put my degree to work and started substitute teaching in my son's school district. We all had our health back and I was continuing to lose weight and just making it through another day felt like a great accomplishment.
Even before the disatrous turn of events, I had been struggling with my faith for some time. The main reason I hadn't found a church home was because I didn't want to feel like a hypocrite and go only hoping that I would get what I wanted.. another baby.. So, in the end, after struggling with that, I talked with a friend of mine about it and she told me things that helped ease my mind about feeling that way. So we made the decision to start attending church again. I figured with trying to have another baby on hold, and being at a low point.. that HE wouldn't care necessarily why I was there, as long as I was there and trying to find my way back to Him.
The first couple months back were hard, but very easy and natural. It seemed like everytime I was there or near any of the members, it was all I could do not to break down and cry my eyes out. That part has gotten better, cause I realized I wasn't as far removed from Him as I had thought.. I am not where I should be, but I am certainly nearer to where I was growing up. My church is a wonderful place, I have never felt so welcomed and loved and real,, not to mention safe. I do believe He is what has helped me make it through last year, even though I questioned Him many times.
So December comes and things are hopping right along, events planned, dates set and parties to attend, all came and went. In my mind at least, I was determined to make 2006 a better year, THE year in which I would finally be blessed with another child. Four years and four months was starting to get to me a little.. as one might imagine. I kidded with a couple friends telling them that this is the cycle I need to get pregnant because then the baby would be born in enough time to start school on time... as September 30 is the cut off for turning five to begin the school year. That sounds silly.. but it was all in jest.
For some odd reason, when I was pregnant with my son, it took forever to pick up on a home test, I had three negatives before getting a positive with him and by that time I was 13 weeks along.. I skipped right through the first trimester. So having that experience under my belt I was quite leery of test before my period was due, let alone believing one after it was late. As I browsed many pregnancy boards and watched several women report their positives and shared photos of it.. I was really in disbelief that the second line was so incredibly faint. So for whatever reason prompted me to..and the fact that I had three sitting around.. I got up and went to pee on that stick. At only 9 days past ovulation, this would be unheard of for me.. and lots of other women actually. Well,, the faintest of faint lines came up. Immediately I shared with a couple friends and they told me congrats, but I was hesitant to believe. So I took another one later that day.. another line.. hmm.. ok.
Each day taking two more tests, holding off on taking a digital one that is clear cut,,, says "pregnant" or "not pregnant".. but my anxiety overcame me and I took the digital one at only 11 days past ovulation and three days before I was due. It sprang up like a smashed spring PREGNANT.. I was in total shock. Thinking .. well I did have pcos.. maybe that's what's causing all these readings.. something can't be right.. its way too early for me to be getting these.. impossible.. So, I went in to get a blood pregnancy test done on Monday.
She called the next AM to tell me that my numbers indicate pregnancy. I need to come back in two days to get it done again to make sure things are progressing. So that's where I am going today. I will load up the kids that I care for and my son, since he got lucky and got a snow day.. and go again to get pricked.
I am still in disbelief and quite possibly don't really believe it just yet.. neither does my husband.. so yeah,, we made it through a rough patch, and are still alive.. and as far as the kicking part,, well I'll be feeling those in several weeks. OMG I AM PREGNANT!
As the end of the year grew near, and as we were trying desperately to save ourselves and everything around us.. we both worked diligently to accomplish this and keep our sanity. Believe me, I was on the verge many, many times. My husband found another job, in the same vocation, with the promise of great pay in the not so distant future, and I put my degree to work and started substitute teaching in my son's school district. We all had our health back and I was continuing to lose weight and just making it through another day felt like a great accomplishment.
Even before the disatrous turn of events, I had been struggling with my faith for some time. The main reason I hadn't found a church home was because I didn't want to feel like a hypocrite and go only hoping that I would get what I wanted.. another baby.. So, in the end, after struggling with that, I talked with a friend of mine about it and she told me things that helped ease my mind about feeling that way. So we made the decision to start attending church again. I figured with trying to have another baby on hold, and being at a low point.. that HE wouldn't care necessarily why I was there, as long as I was there and trying to find my way back to Him.
The first couple months back were hard, but very easy and natural. It seemed like everytime I was there or near any of the members, it was all I could do not to break down and cry my eyes out. That part has gotten better, cause I realized I wasn't as far removed from Him as I had thought.. I am not where I should be, but I am certainly nearer to where I was growing up. My church is a wonderful place, I have never felt so welcomed and loved and real,, not to mention safe. I do believe He is what has helped me make it through last year, even though I questioned Him many times.
So December comes and things are hopping right along, events planned, dates set and parties to attend, all came and went. In my mind at least, I was determined to make 2006 a better year, THE year in which I would finally be blessed with another child. Four years and four months was starting to get to me a little.. as one might imagine. I kidded with a couple friends telling them that this is the cycle I need to get pregnant because then the baby would be born in enough time to start school on time... as September 30 is the cut off for turning five to begin the school year. That sounds silly.. but it was all in jest.
For some odd reason, when I was pregnant with my son, it took forever to pick up on a home test, I had three negatives before getting a positive with him and by that time I was 13 weeks along.. I skipped right through the first trimester. So having that experience under my belt I was quite leery of test before my period was due, let alone believing one after it was late. As I browsed many pregnancy boards and watched several women report their positives and shared photos of it.. I was really in disbelief that the second line was so incredibly faint. So for whatever reason prompted me to..and the fact that I had three sitting around.. I got up and went to pee on that stick. At only 9 days past ovulation, this would be unheard of for me.. and lots of other women actually. Well,, the faintest of faint lines came up. Immediately I shared with a couple friends and they told me congrats, but I was hesitant to believe. So I took another one later that day.. another line.. hmm.. ok.
Each day taking two more tests, holding off on taking a digital one that is clear cut,,, says "pregnant" or "not pregnant".. but my anxiety overcame me and I took the digital one at only 11 days past ovulation and three days before I was due. It sprang up like a smashed spring PREGNANT.. I was in total shock. Thinking .. well I did have pcos.. maybe that's what's causing all these readings.. something can't be right.. its way too early for me to be getting these.. impossible.. So, I went in to get a blood pregnancy test done on Monday.
She called the next AM to tell me that my numbers indicate pregnancy. I need to come back in two days to get it done again to make sure things are progressing. So that's where I am going today. I will load up the kids that I care for and my son, since he got lucky and got a snow day.. and go again to get pricked.
I am still in disbelief and quite possibly don't really believe it just yet.. neither does my husband.. so yeah,, we made it through a rough patch, and are still alive.. and as far as the kicking part,, well I'll be feeling those in several weeks. OMG I AM PREGNANT!
Saturday, July 09, 2005
Sorry about that....not really..
Working hard to get everything closed up for the night and counting the minutes that he would be picked up, Billy hurried around the office doing last minute things. Finally, at 9:20pm he logged off of the alarm system and walked out to meet us. Jumping in the truck with my mom, off we go to see A, and relieve his mother.
To digress a little, being that Billy is the manager of the store, he had a separate code for the alarm system, and the other employees used another, one that Billy didn't know. This was for when on the rare occassion he would take his half day during the week and wouldn't be there to lock up. The alarm company records who logs in and out.
Little did we know that exactly four minutes after Billy left for the evening, that user #2 logged in, stayed for 10 minutes and then logged back out. This was a peice of information we were given after the fact. They were waiting for him to leave and waiting on their chance.
After we got home in the wee hours of the night that night, we were up and getting ready to head back to the hospital. I was in the midst of changing my bandages and he was in the shower, when the phone rang. It was a Sunday, so I figured with it being ten minutes till noon, that it was probably my mother calling to ask when we would be there, so I didn't answer and was planning on calling back when I finished bandaging back up. Billy finished his shower before I finished and came down to wait on me and the phone rang again. It was the alarm company, who on several occassions, have called before to report movement or what have you within the store. These are usually a waste of time because of something faulty or a balloon left up that is blowing from the AC. I say usually, because just so happens this wouldn't be the case this time. The had told him that the back door alarm had gone off and police were waiting on him at the store.
Billy, already dressed, says he should be back in about 15 minutes, he's sure its nothing. So I proceed to finish getting ready and about 30 minutes later the phone rings again. I answer and he says "we're fucked!" I was dumbfounded. He was horribly upset and on the verge of tears and I could tell he was wearing a hole in the carpet from pacing. I calm him down and ask what's the deal. He then proceeds to tell me that he got to the store, the police were waiting by the back entrance. They tell him they arrived within a couple minutes of the alarm going off and when they arrived the back door was open. He goes in to take a look around and sees that all the drawers to the desks were opened and that the cash drawer money was gone.
Now you may be thinking right now that well this shouldn't be a big deal, its not his fault that his store was robbed. He was thinking the same thing as well till he got to the edge of the parking lot and remembered something vital. Turning around he went back into the store and looked. This is when his heart sank. The deposit for the night was gone also. The reason this was so bad was that it wouldn't be gone had he deposited it in the night deposit last night.
While stirring around doing the last minute things the night before, he had worked up the deposit and instead of leaving it on the counter while he still had employees in the store, he stuck it in the top drawer of his desk, intending to grab it when he left. Obviously someone was watching and took note. So, as time drew near and he was leaving.. clearly with his mind on his child and getting to him.. walked out without grabbing it.
Six years with this company and nothing but praise for him for working tirelessly between 80 and 100 hours a week to keep things as they should be and in a moment of vulnerability and weakness, his efforts all those years were overlooked.
Some may think that losing a job like that would be a life saver.. and maybe it was.. but when your wife is fresh out of the hospital and your son is still laying in the hospital, and you are the sole provider, losing what may be a crap ass job isn't something that sounds appealing. This job that paid very well that allowed you to live comfortably and your wife allowed to be a full time mother... not something you necessarily want to leave without something else better lined up.
The first thing we thought about was trying to come up with the deposit money and replacing what was lost, so that he could save his job. This is probably not most people's first reaction, but feeling that since he made the mistake, he needed to fix it. Finally though after calling around and asking to borrow the money, Monday afternoon he told his direct boss what had happened. He put him on "vacation" till they could figure things out.
Police got involved and everything was pointing to say that Billy had stolen the money. Billy had stolen the money with NO motive for doing so apparently,, at least that's what they were implying. He offered himself up to lie detectors and all that. We waited patiently for it to all become clear. During this interim is when we learned about the other person coming back into the store four minutes after he had left that night, which of course, everyone denied. The detective himself even implied that Billy could have done that to throw the trail off!
From all aspects you could clearly see that it was an inside job. The back door, which has a bar that is set across it that prevents it being opened was rigged in a way that could drop the bar and allow access. Specifically what was taken and how "fast" it was taken, and the time of day in which it was taken. Almost noon on a Sunday in broad daylight. Obviously anyone with any sense, could put two and two together and realize that whoever it was that came in after him that night, set up the scene for the next day and probably went ahead and took the money then. Not to mention how would they know to do that on the ONE night that they realized he would be so distracted the possibility of him leaving the deposit behind was high.
The more we learned and thought about it.. we had it narrowed down to two of the employees. One in which he had words with the night before, on a Friday night. And the other one who actually had the other key to the store. The only reason the first guy wasn't ruled out was because he could have made a copy of the key. AND he was the more desperate of the two for money. That's who I had my money on anyways.
After a week and going to speak with the detetive and being informed he would be called back within a couple days for the voice analyzer test, we waited. No one ever called. When I went back a couple weeks later to retrieve his things, one of the "suspects" would barely look me in the eye. Could barely get out a "hey". This was NOT the one I had originally thought. During the few weeks we were waiting I was informed that he had a gambling problem. HMMMM.. To be such a nice guy always talkative to me and ever so friendly.. my suspicions were pointed directly at him now. I feel in my gut that he is the one. He had motive and opportunity.
After the week of "vacation" his direct boss (market manager) called and said I have to let you go. OF COURSE YOU DO! I'm really sorry about this man, I don't think you did it .. really.. WHATEVER.
In the coming weeks we find out that his direct boss( market manager) and HIS boss(regional director) both had jobs on the line.. and the regional directer was let go for stealing from the company. He had apparently charged one of his stores to recarpet his house. Clearly a company violation. Also his direct boss is barely hanging on by a thread and has basically told himself that its all Billy's fault for not doing his the market manager's job while he was having a good time with one of the female peers( another market manager) of the company. AGAIN, violation of company policy. The guy that took Billy's place(store manager) in the store runs around like a chicken with his head cut off TRYING to keep up the pace and standard that Billy had set.. and best of all.. yeah.. the thief is still working in there. Among all the other "superior" concerns going on, the ball was dropped on the investigation and he got away with it.
So, while we were struggling to recover and find another source of income that would be even a fraction of what he was making, to the undoubted hospital bills that would begin rolling in before too long and just to keep a roof over our head, the thief was working along his merry way each day like nothing had happened and getting paid for it above and beyond. So he may be sorry that he had to resort to stealing and costing a man and his family their livlihood, jeopardizing their very being.. he didn't get caught.. so he's not really THAT sorry, now is he?
To digress a little, being that Billy is the manager of the store, he had a separate code for the alarm system, and the other employees used another, one that Billy didn't know. This was for when on the rare occassion he would take his half day during the week and wouldn't be there to lock up. The alarm company records who logs in and out.
Little did we know that exactly four minutes after Billy left for the evening, that user #2 logged in, stayed for 10 minutes and then logged back out. This was a peice of information we were given after the fact. They were waiting for him to leave and waiting on their chance.
After we got home in the wee hours of the night that night, we were up and getting ready to head back to the hospital. I was in the midst of changing my bandages and he was in the shower, when the phone rang. It was a Sunday, so I figured with it being ten minutes till noon, that it was probably my mother calling to ask when we would be there, so I didn't answer and was planning on calling back when I finished bandaging back up. Billy finished his shower before I finished and came down to wait on me and the phone rang again. It was the alarm company, who on several occassions, have called before to report movement or what have you within the store. These are usually a waste of time because of something faulty or a balloon left up that is blowing from the AC. I say usually, because just so happens this wouldn't be the case this time. The had told him that the back door alarm had gone off and police were waiting on him at the store.
Billy, already dressed, says he should be back in about 15 minutes, he's sure its nothing. So I proceed to finish getting ready and about 30 minutes later the phone rings again. I answer and he says "we're fucked!" I was dumbfounded. He was horribly upset and on the verge of tears and I could tell he was wearing a hole in the carpet from pacing. I calm him down and ask what's the deal. He then proceeds to tell me that he got to the store, the police were waiting by the back entrance. They tell him they arrived within a couple minutes of the alarm going off and when they arrived the back door was open. He goes in to take a look around and sees that all the drawers to the desks were opened and that the cash drawer money was gone.
Now you may be thinking right now that well this shouldn't be a big deal, its not his fault that his store was robbed. He was thinking the same thing as well till he got to the edge of the parking lot and remembered something vital. Turning around he went back into the store and looked. This is when his heart sank. The deposit for the night was gone also. The reason this was so bad was that it wouldn't be gone had he deposited it in the night deposit last night.
While stirring around doing the last minute things the night before, he had worked up the deposit and instead of leaving it on the counter while he still had employees in the store, he stuck it in the top drawer of his desk, intending to grab it when he left. Obviously someone was watching and took note. So, as time drew near and he was leaving.. clearly with his mind on his child and getting to him.. walked out without grabbing it.
Six years with this company and nothing but praise for him for working tirelessly between 80 and 100 hours a week to keep things as they should be and in a moment of vulnerability and weakness, his efforts all those years were overlooked.
Some may think that losing a job like that would be a life saver.. and maybe it was.. but when your wife is fresh out of the hospital and your son is still laying in the hospital, and you are the sole provider, losing what may be a crap ass job isn't something that sounds appealing. This job that paid very well that allowed you to live comfortably and your wife allowed to be a full time mother... not something you necessarily want to leave without something else better lined up.
The first thing we thought about was trying to come up with the deposit money and replacing what was lost, so that he could save his job. This is probably not most people's first reaction, but feeling that since he made the mistake, he needed to fix it. Finally though after calling around and asking to borrow the money, Monday afternoon he told his direct boss what had happened. He put him on "vacation" till they could figure things out.
Police got involved and everything was pointing to say that Billy had stolen the money. Billy had stolen the money with NO motive for doing so apparently,, at least that's what they were implying. He offered himself up to lie detectors and all that. We waited patiently for it to all become clear. During this interim is when we learned about the other person coming back into the store four minutes after he had left that night, which of course, everyone denied. The detective himself even implied that Billy could have done that to throw the trail off!
From all aspects you could clearly see that it was an inside job. The back door, which has a bar that is set across it that prevents it being opened was rigged in a way that could drop the bar and allow access. Specifically what was taken and how "fast" it was taken, and the time of day in which it was taken. Almost noon on a Sunday in broad daylight. Obviously anyone with any sense, could put two and two together and realize that whoever it was that came in after him that night, set up the scene for the next day and probably went ahead and took the money then. Not to mention how would they know to do that on the ONE night that they realized he would be so distracted the possibility of him leaving the deposit behind was high.
The more we learned and thought about it.. we had it narrowed down to two of the employees. One in which he had words with the night before, on a Friday night. And the other one who actually had the other key to the store. The only reason the first guy wasn't ruled out was because he could have made a copy of the key. AND he was the more desperate of the two for money. That's who I had my money on anyways.
After a week and going to speak with the detetive and being informed he would be called back within a couple days for the voice analyzer test, we waited. No one ever called. When I went back a couple weeks later to retrieve his things, one of the "suspects" would barely look me in the eye. Could barely get out a "hey". This was NOT the one I had originally thought. During the few weeks we were waiting I was informed that he had a gambling problem. HMMMM.. To be such a nice guy always talkative to me and ever so friendly.. my suspicions were pointed directly at him now. I feel in my gut that he is the one. He had motive and opportunity.
After the week of "vacation" his direct boss (market manager) called and said I have to let you go. OF COURSE YOU DO! I'm really sorry about this man, I don't think you did it .. really.. WHATEVER.
In the coming weeks we find out that his direct boss( market manager) and HIS boss(regional director) both had jobs on the line.. and the regional directer was let go for stealing from the company. He had apparently charged one of his stores to recarpet his house. Clearly a company violation. Also his direct boss is barely hanging on by a thread and has basically told himself that its all Billy's fault for not doing his the market manager's job while he was having a good time with one of the female peers( another market manager) of the company. AGAIN, violation of company policy. The guy that took Billy's place(store manager) in the store runs around like a chicken with his head cut off TRYING to keep up the pace and standard that Billy had set.. and best of all.. yeah.. the thief is still working in there. Among all the other "superior" concerns going on, the ball was dropped on the investigation and he got away with it.
So, while we were struggling to recover and find another source of income that would be even a fraction of what he was making, to the undoubted hospital bills that would begin rolling in before too long and just to keep a roof over our head, the thief was working along his merry way each day like nothing had happened and getting paid for it above and beyond. So he may be sorry that he had to resort to stealing and costing a man and his family their livlihood, jeopardizing their very being.. he didn't get caught.. so he's not really THAT sorry, now is he?
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
Like A Caged Bird
I used to think I would welcome the down time to lay in bed all day and watch tv, and only get up to use the bathroom and take a small walk. That might be nice if it weren't forced upon you, but when you have no choice, its altogether different.
I sat quietly watching tv after my sister's mother in law left for work. I was in no way sleepy or thought "oh a nap sounds nice." I was reaquainting myself with my surroundings now that I could see clearly. It was still kinda early in the day. I called my mom again to check on A, but there wasn't much of an update. My sister in law called and asked what room I was in, she was coming by after work. That was still hours away.
I lasted for about an hour before the ants came crawling in. I was hurting still to walk around and get up and down .. or for that matter use my stomach muscles very much. So, I could either sit and feel like I was going to explode or I could push through the pain and get up and walk.. kill some time. I opted for killing some time and some pain. Every time I moved and thought of the hurt, I reminded myself how brave my little man had been and still is, doing his walking and getting himself better. He pulled me through so much, more than he will ever know. I couldn't be a wimp. NO. Not when he had perservered through so much. So every 30 minutes or so I took time about either laying in my bed, or on the couch or in the "so called" recliner that was in the room. NONE of which were even remotely comfortable.
The nurse said she had never seen anyone move around so much. I have had surgery before and been put under before.. but never do I remember feelings so anxious. This was assured by many was a side effect of the anesthesia.
The started me on my fluid intake and protein drinks. I had to get in 64oz of fluid every day and at least one bottle of the protein. I barely made that happen. I didn't drink that much before surgery and now having to sip on everything ALL DAY LONG was extremely hard for me. I wondered how I would get real food in if I couldn't get this liquid in!? I was bound and determined to show the doc I got it all in though. A couple of nurses drilled into my head that I wasn't going anywhere if I didn't and there was too big a risk of dehydration if I didn't continue to do so. So, I made it through that each day.
Around 6:30 that first night, my sister in law showed up with a basket of flowers for me, soon after that her husband showed up as well. I was quite pleased. They stayed till a little later and Billy showed up after work. He sat with me till he had to go home. Then I began pacing again every 30 minutes or so. Walking the halls, from chair to bed to couch, then all over again. They certainly couldn't say I wasn't moving about enough!
Day two was pretty much the same pacing. Feeling better as time went on and my moving was definitely helping. My mother in law showed up at the end of her work day and stayed till Billy came again. It was nearly 11pm before he got there that night. We didn't have much time to spend together and he had to split his time between me and A.
Day three was one that felt like it would last FOREVER. I tried to stay busy with the word search book Billy had brought me and I tried to call and talk to friends. I was missing my baby something awful by this time and the small updates just weren't doing enough. Billy showed up once again that night and stayed the night as I was sure I would be going home come AM. I thought that the doc would be coming around about 7AM, but being a Saturday I was quite wrong.
Finally about 10:30, he came in, checked on a few things, and released me. I was dressed and changed within 10 minutes and we walked to the front desk to get ready to leave. We were then told that she hadn't even completed the paperwork yet, to just have a seat and she'd be with us in a few minutes. TICK TOCK TICK TOCK Did they not know I was DYING to get out of here?!?! Finally she came over and went over everything with me and we scurried down to the lobby. She sat with me and waited till the truck pulled up and FREE AT LAST!!!!! Our first stop was guess where? You got it! VCH! I was hopping right along and went bounding through the double doors on his floor. All the nurses were like WOW I can't believe how good you look and well you seem to be doing! I replied with " gotta get to my baby!" He was asleep when I arrived so I just sat and held his hand. Billy had to get on to work so we had to leave. I was gonna try and get some rest and come back after he got off work that night.
About thirty minutes after I get home, the door bell rings. I had no idea who it could be so I didn't answer. It kept ringing and ringing. I finally looked out and it was my mother. She came in and said I am here to help you clean. Obviously I didn't feel like cleaning up much, but I can hardly sit and watch someone else clean my house. So I proceeded to clean with her. Nothing like getting back at it huh?
Around quitting time for my husband, he was stressed, tired, and worried about where all he needed to be. With all this on his mind and thinking about getting back to me and us getting back to A, he left the store, not realizing at the moment, someone was waiting for him to slip up. One of his employees, waiting for the right time. Thinking only of getting home, he wouldn't realize till the next day the mistake he had made that night before leaving. A mistake that wouldn't have mattered had someone not been waiting for just that.
I sat quietly watching tv after my sister's mother in law left for work. I was in no way sleepy or thought "oh a nap sounds nice." I was reaquainting myself with my surroundings now that I could see clearly. It was still kinda early in the day. I called my mom again to check on A, but there wasn't much of an update. My sister in law called and asked what room I was in, she was coming by after work. That was still hours away.
I lasted for about an hour before the ants came crawling in. I was hurting still to walk around and get up and down .. or for that matter use my stomach muscles very much. So, I could either sit and feel like I was going to explode or I could push through the pain and get up and walk.. kill some time. I opted for killing some time and some pain. Every time I moved and thought of the hurt, I reminded myself how brave my little man had been and still is, doing his walking and getting himself better. He pulled me through so much, more than he will ever know. I couldn't be a wimp. NO. Not when he had perservered through so much. So every 30 minutes or so I took time about either laying in my bed, or on the couch or in the "so called" recliner that was in the room. NONE of which were even remotely comfortable.
The nurse said she had never seen anyone move around so much. I have had surgery before and been put under before.. but never do I remember feelings so anxious. This was assured by many was a side effect of the anesthesia.
The started me on my fluid intake and protein drinks. I had to get in 64oz of fluid every day and at least one bottle of the protein. I barely made that happen. I didn't drink that much before surgery and now having to sip on everything ALL DAY LONG was extremely hard for me. I wondered how I would get real food in if I couldn't get this liquid in!? I was bound and determined to show the doc I got it all in though. A couple of nurses drilled into my head that I wasn't going anywhere if I didn't and there was too big a risk of dehydration if I didn't continue to do so. So, I made it through that each day.
Around 6:30 that first night, my sister in law showed up with a basket of flowers for me, soon after that her husband showed up as well. I was quite pleased. They stayed till a little later and Billy showed up after work. He sat with me till he had to go home. Then I began pacing again every 30 minutes or so. Walking the halls, from chair to bed to couch, then all over again. They certainly couldn't say I wasn't moving about enough!
Day two was pretty much the same pacing. Feeling better as time went on and my moving was definitely helping. My mother in law showed up at the end of her work day and stayed till Billy came again. It was nearly 11pm before he got there that night. We didn't have much time to spend together and he had to split his time between me and A.
Day three was one that felt like it would last FOREVER. I tried to stay busy with the word search book Billy had brought me and I tried to call and talk to friends. I was missing my baby something awful by this time and the small updates just weren't doing enough. Billy showed up once again that night and stayed the night as I was sure I would be going home come AM. I thought that the doc would be coming around about 7AM, but being a Saturday I was quite wrong.
Finally about 10:30, he came in, checked on a few things, and released me. I was dressed and changed within 10 minutes and we walked to the front desk to get ready to leave. We were then told that she hadn't even completed the paperwork yet, to just have a seat and she'd be with us in a few minutes. TICK TOCK TICK TOCK Did they not know I was DYING to get out of here?!?! Finally she came over and went over everything with me and we scurried down to the lobby. She sat with me and waited till the truck pulled up and FREE AT LAST!!!!! Our first stop was guess where? You got it! VCH! I was hopping right along and went bounding through the double doors on his floor. All the nurses were like WOW I can't believe how good you look and well you seem to be doing! I replied with " gotta get to my baby!" He was asleep when I arrived so I just sat and held his hand. Billy had to get on to work so we had to leave. I was gonna try and get some rest and come back after he got off work that night.
About thirty minutes after I get home, the door bell rings. I had no idea who it could be so I didn't answer. It kept ringing and ringing. I finally looked out and it was my mother. She came in and said I am here to help you clean. Obviously I didn't feel like cleaning up much, but I can hardly sit and watch someone else clean my house. So I proceeded to clean with her. Nothing like getting back at it huh?
Around quitting time for my husband, he was stressed, tired, and worried about where all he needed to be. With all this on his mind and thinking about getting back to me and us getting back to A, he left the store, not realizing at the moment, someone was waiting for him to slip up. One of his employees, waiting for the right time. Thinking only of getting home, he wouldn't realize till the next day the mistake he had made that night before leaving. A mistake that wouldn't have mattered had someone not been waiting for just that.
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